For the most part, they look at something out of the car window, incorporate it into a joke and bomb. “What do you call a red car a sign and a mailman?” “I give up, what?” “That old tree! HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Sometimes they just throw in words that make people laugh. “Knock-knock”, “who’s there”, “Mr. Alligator Poophead! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

But once in a while, they catch you off guard and hit comedy gold: “What’s green and has four wheels?” “I don’t know, what?” “Grass! I lied about the wheels.”

…And now back to your regularly scheduled blog…

Last year I mentioned that my goal for the year was to work my way through the Van Halen song book I got for Christmas. The entire catalog (minus the Tattoo and new album).

Well, I started on page one with Runnin’ With the Devil and worked my way through song by song. While I’m not finished, I can say that I could hold my own if I were in a Van Halen cover band…in 1981. Maybe not. I purposely skipped the signature Eruption. Not as much out of fear as from lack of desire. Sort of like in The Goonies when they found One Eyed Willie’s pirate ship and they started raiding the bounty and the girl from Raising Hope tries to take a pile of gold and the kid from Rudy says “no, not that gold, that’s Willie’s gold”. Eruption is a sacred cow to me and a cliche to audiences…not to mention fucking insane…so I passed it over.

A couple weeks ago, I took one of my guitars apart and gave it a paint job. I took a jigsaw to it and modified the shape a little and stripped the paint with a grinder. I racked my brain to come up with a cool idea and color scheme…and I kept coming back to the coolest, most iconic guitar paint job ever. Like Eruption, I thought it a bit “hack”, but at the same time, I had a feeling that those who know me and my obsession with the band, they would understand. So I went for it.

After putting it back together, it works and it plays. I don’t enjoy playing it or it’s sound, but it works. I’ll probably keep tinkering with it for a while to get the sound and feel that I want, but in the mean time, it can hang on the wall and look cool.

(by the way, Happy 57th Birthday big guy!)

Yesterday, I was fed up with the state of the boys’ playroom. Legos all over the floor, bins full of Cars and Star Wars action figures upended, empty cups and fruit roll-up wrappers on the table…a general sty.

After school, I informed them that there would be no TV until their playroom was clean, a threat I assumed would instill a sense of urgency. “OK Dad,” they said, picked up one or two things and then got side tracked by whatever silliness distracted them.

I reminded them of the task at hand and again “OK Dad.”

After the third of fourth time, instead of politely redirecting their energy, the Dad voice came out. “STOP SCREWING AROUND AND CLEAN UP!”. I was kind of proud of myself for having the presence of mind and self control to not add several more colorful expletives.

And that is when it happened. Something that, if I was proud of my self control before, would earn medals and trophies for my restraint.

Mr. 5 years old muttered the following in an exasperated, put out, not this guy again tone of voice: “OK, OK, don’t get so dramatic!”

I can not say the word “participate”.

Of course I can say it. But, often when reading advertising copy, the word “participating” is read as fast as possible because it is part of a disclaimer. That’s where my problem happens. It comes out “puhtispating” or “puhtisapashon” or “p’tspating”.

Not good, not good at all.

Does it bother me? No, because I have a secret weapon.

Let me give you an example:

“guys, could you clean up your playroom please?”
“Aaawww, come onnnn!”

–

“guys, let’s clean up the playroom as a surprise for Mom when she gets home”
“OK!”

Like I said, they love her very much.